I don’t usually bring much of my private life into this blog, but this topic really hit me. I was a victim of child abuse in at least one foster home (beatings, locked in the basement, etc.) and successfully survived….but, there will always be terror in me for adults or older-than-the-child who does things to children.
Recently an acquaintance was on trial for indecency with a minor. He was 16 or 17 when the incidents occurred, with three different girls (ages 12-13).Â
After the first day of testimony from one of the victims, he, his family and his attorney decided he should take a plea bargain.
Whether it happened or not isn’t the point – by taking a plea, he admitted guilt and will have a felony record the rest of his life, and he will have to be on the state/national sex registry for the rest of his life. He really won’t have to worry about a job when he gets out, as his dad owns a business.
My writing here is not specifically about this young man, though he and his family will remain in our prayers. He will go to prison. My brother is in prison, and although it’s not where I would choose to live, my brother thrives in such a rigid environment.
After we were told about his plea bargain, the person making the statement said something that really made me stop and give thought. He said (paraphrasing) that the system is all messed up. We teach our children to have safe s*x, but we don’t give them the lawful information about who they can do that with.
What?
According to the testimony, one of these young girls (who incidentally are about the age of our second daughter – totally bringing this issue home for me) said that the young man took her home after being at his house with his sister, and he allegedly attacked her in the car.Â
I’m sorry. I just cannot wrap my head around the statement that I heard and the incident that the young girl, under testimony, gave. A 16-17 year-old doesn’t know to keep his hands off of a girl that is his sister’s age? And he doesn’t know consent? It wasn’t a dating or romantic setting or situation – he was driving her home from a slumber party with his sister and he allegedly attacked her in the car!
One of the most basic rules in our house is to keep your hands to yourself. If you ask my kids, they’ll say the exact same thing. In case you’re wondering, the other main rule is that they are mind their own business, unless it’s for compassion purposes.
So, I wonder how this statement-making person (who hasn’t known the family very long) can make a blanket statement like that? Right and wrong, in this type of situation, are pretty basic. As a parent, our job is to teach our children those rights and wrongs – and we personally do that both via verbal communication and with our faith (i.e the 10 Commandments). I know this young man went through the same teachings that our children go through at church. I know they receive instruction in school on the same topic.
This isn’t really my problem. It’s not my issue – except it’s yet another eye-opening topic that we need to make sure we address, age-appropriately, with our children.
No means no. And no child of mine will ever be forced to allow anyone else to touch them (even via a hug) if they don’t want them to. They never have to worry about us sticking up for them, if they are put into that type of situation.
But, to blame the system for this issue is way too much of a stretch for me. If anyone is to blame, it’s a singular person – one that is going to get his first inmate number in a few days. If his parents failed him, that’s their business. If his school failed him, I can’t do a thing about it. If society failed him, I’d like someone to explain to me how I, as an individual in this society, could have contributed to his behavior.Â
I do know that those three young girls who were (allegedly) victimized by him will spend a lifetime dealing with what he (allegedly) did to them. They have a life sentence. He has five years. I’m really having trouble understanding how the system is to blame for a person in this situation.
