I received word last week that a friend I had in Utah committed suicide.  My heart went out to her children.  And I was so very sad for her.  My mother committed suicide, so I’ve been there, done that.  I know how her children will never get over it.  I know what life is like, growing up not just without a mother – but, without a mother who couldn’t see beyond her own depression to realize that she had children who needed, wanted and loved her.

She went through a very nasty divorce, and once her husband was awarded custody of her children, she lost all hopes of building her life with the American dream.  She was a tenured professor of German, and while she was working hard to get tenure, her husband was taking care of the kids.  And then, once she got tenure — he used all of that time she spent working against her in court – and of course, he demanded that she pay child support, based on her new tenured pay upgrade.  And then he moved himself and the kids east.  I remember once, after she got tenure, that she took a sabbatical, and her husband kidnapped the kids and returned to Utah – not only taking her children away from her, but cutting short her work time — so that she appeared to have failed on all accounts.

Of course, I feel guilt, too.  I know that I could not save her from herself – she needed professional help.  But, as will oft happen with depression, she closed herself off from the rest of us and we were unable to penetrate her life as friends.  Then, she converted to a popular religion in Utah, and it further alienated her Lutheran friends.  Once my family and I left Utah, I have had no communications with her.  So, I, too, failed her.

By God’s Grace, I pray that she’s now found the peace that she couldn’t find on earth.  I pray that she meets her mother, who died when Renate was just a baby.  And I pray that Renate’s children can find some way to grow and learn from their mother – in whatever small way her X husband will allow.  Because, the bottom line is that those kids will need a whole lotta love, to find their peace with her life and with her death.

God’s Peace to you, Renate.  The world is not a better place without you in it…but, your soul is now cared for in a way that you couldn’t find on earth – and for that, I am thankful, my friend.