It is very true that my husband and I are loners.  We love each other and we love our kids and a lot of things we do are just for us – family times together, with memories to last a lifetime.  And I will admit to not attending some events in the last 18 months because it exacerbates my multiple sclerosis symptoms.  Most of these were parties or family reunions – but everyone who was attending knew why I was not there and my kids and husband would go and explain my absence, if necessary.  Funerals do not count, in my book.  I attend very few funerals for personal reasons.

But, I have attended some functions that we deemed important enough and I would just deal with the MS symptoms after we got home.  We’ve been to a number of graduation parties and a few weddings.  After a couple of days of rest and relaxation, I am back to my normal.  No, it’s not fun recovering … but it is ever-so important to us that people know we care enough to attend their milestones and celebrate with them.

I have one friend from when I was in the fourth grade and I made a special point to surprise her by going to see her on her birthday last year.  I have foster parents who have known me since I lived with them in the late 1970s.  I have two special high school friends with whom I still converse with and I have brothers and sista cousins* and an aunt and uncle who finished raising me and many other friends and family that I have known since I was in my teens who I am close to.  Or thought I was.  Not to mention all of the family on my husband’s side of our family tree.

But, I have found that for MANY years, I am being left out of most of their lives.  I do know that since my MS diagnosis, I am treated distantly – and truly appreciate that consideration of asking me before expecting my attendance.  But, I went to my SIL’s wedding and dinner last month and was happy to see everyone and talk to them.  It was important to our family to be there, regardless of how long it took me to recover from such an event.

However, that doesn’t explain being left out of the last 30 years of my friend’s and family’s lives, even though they are always thought of on my end.  Obviously, there’s something in my personality that means I’m not welcome or I am not wanted or I am not good enough to participate with them.  I have no idea why I am not thought of as more than just a distant whatever to people.  Perhaps it’s because I am honest and direct in my communications – I don’t mince words and I tell it like it is.  Some people may be offended by that.  Maybe it’s because I have so many kids and we are a drain on folks?  Maybe they do not care for my husband?  Or maybe they know that I will forgive them and move forward as if nothing ever happened? 

Whatever their reasons and excuses – let me be very clear.  IT.  HURTS.  ME.  Many times IT.  HURTS.  MY.  CHILDREN.

I am bringing this topic up today because a friend of mine from high school’s son was just married this past weekend.  My family was not invited.  My friend made a joke that she’s just absent-minded and even forgot to invite her own sister.  When I mentioned it, she said she didn’t want me to feel obligated to come.  But just two or three weeks ago, I specifically asked her about her son’s wedding colors so I could make them a wedding quilt.

When we were in high school, I worked for her parents for three or four years.  I was so close to her parents that when they would drive through any state they knew I lived in, they would call me and we would go out for dinner or pie so they could catch me up on their lives and hear about mine.  And when I went to visit my aunt and uncle, I always called her folks or her dad and we would meet up for breakfast on our way out of town.  I made baby quilts for each of this friend’s baby’s when she had kids.  I was invited to be in my friend’s wedding but I was a broke college student living three states away and was unable to afford to attend, though I am sure I sent a card and was very humbled that she had asked me to stand up with her.  When my friend’s mother passed away, I was on vacation with my family but my sista cousin* heard about her passing and called me, and I sent flowers and my sympathy about their loss of a great lady and mother.  For a couple of summers in recent years, I have stopped and spent the night at this friend’s house while going to see family or friends, enjoying her family and catching up as old friends do.  Last year, she even kept my two older daughter’s for a week while I went to visit my foster parents and they all said they had a fabulous time.

She is not the only friend I have who has treated me this way, but she is the most recent, who tore another little piece of my heart out. 

And it affected me deeply, probably because some of my husband’s family was just here for the Labor Day weekend and not a single one of them took five minutes out of their rest, relaxation and fun to come say howdy to me.  Especially our niece, who has always made a point to come to see me when she’s here.  I can talk to one or two people at a time and not have too many MS symptoms – it’s the crowds, noise and chaos that send me to my knees.

My aunt once told me that I when I was friends with someone, I was loyal to the end with them.  If they hurt me, I would deal with it in my own way, forgive them and move forward.  I never realized that about myself but I saw it.  Someone would beat me up emotionally but then I would give it to God and go right back for more.  In some cases, this was a good move…and in some cases, it was bad for me. 

I have one brother who has only come to see me where I lived (and both times way before I was married or had kids) twice.  My other brother the same, though he has met my children so his last visit was not so long ago.  People who I care about will come within 30 miles of where we live and then say something after the fact about how close they were to me. 

I guess what I don’t get is why?  Do I have too high of expectations?  Do I only show a little love when the other person expects more?  Am I such a small blip in a person’s life that I am inconsequential to others?  Is it selfishness on their part?  Is it that they do not feel for me as I feel for them?  Is it selfishness on my part that I would like to mean more than I obviously am to them?

I’m sure with this blog post, I will not find the answers to these questions.  But, I can say that in all honesty, I am tired of being hurt over such things.  I am sure it will continue, without a doubt.  But, at some point, my quilted heart will no longer be so accepting of being trampled on.  Being ripped apart, one seam at a time. 

[* sista cousins are two cousins of mine, daughters of my aunt and uncle who finished raising me.  I am closer to them than cousins and since I lived there, we were almost like sisters.]